Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
