i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
