Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
