who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
