My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
