i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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