I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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