tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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