I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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