So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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