just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
