Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All the doctor said was why
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
