piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
