So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
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I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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