Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
