Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
