he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Boobs are out for the taking
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
