So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Mom said you looked used
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
