I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius