he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
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you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.