When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole a fireplace last night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize