She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?