I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't turn off my feet"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
