I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
