Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
