i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We had to coat check the pizza.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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