Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
