First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
