You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
