I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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