The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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