FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
