im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
