woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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