I wish I could teleport
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
