I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
