I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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