I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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