sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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