I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I need moral support for this bender
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
