Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
