woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
