I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
