I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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