Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
im six kinds of drunk right now
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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