I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
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the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
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Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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