i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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