The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
