Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
