My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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