Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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