Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
