What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
