here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
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I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
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Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You don't make any sense
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