we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
