i already hear my dad disowning me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
