woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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