A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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